It’s time I admitted that I really don’t have this homeschooling thing altogether. That my really cute classroom isn’t as perfect as it seems and just because I have a degree in education doesn’t mean I will automatically be good at it. I am really scared. I’m scared that I won’t be able to divide my time between Mckenzee’s Kindergarten needs, Riley’s preschool needs and Colby’s Mommy needs. I’m scared that I will be so exhausted that I won’t be good at teacher or a good mother.
The thing is I know I’m capable. I know my abilities are there. I know I’m a great teacher. None of that means I will be good at teaching my own children in my home. It just doesn’t. I wish that I had someone right alongside me, doing it with me, but I really feel like this time I need to rely on God…. As I should be doing with every aspect of my life. I know He wants me to homeschool. I think I want to homeschool. I also think deep deep down I am fighting it a little. I think I’m scared that God may be calling me to homeschool longer than I want to homeschool. That this time His plan may be way different than mine. I don’t know.
Up until now I haven’t felt this same pressure because preschool just isn’t the same as real school. Next year is real school. Next year I am totally committed. I can’t have an off day, a lazy day, a give into my kids day when they don’t want to do school. I’m worried that I don’t have what it takes, or that I’ll feel the need to try and prove to others that I’m doing a good job. I’m worried because I’m really good at starting things that I don’t finish. This cannot be one of those things.
This consumes my thoughts on a daily basis. I have to wonder if those homeschooling moms who appear to have it all together really have it all together, and if they do, what is their secret and how can I find out?
2 comments:
You will do great. I don't think anyone is doing it perfectly. Good days and bad days, you know? Just like some mornings around here are so perfect and some are straight out of hell. It's just putting the bad times in perspective and knowing tomorrow is a new day.
You will just have to go with it and tweak it as you go. The kids will be FINE. Surely their long term memory doesn't kick in until 7 or 8 years old so you've got a while to screw up and recover from it!
Anjolee I think you are very capable of being a good mommy and a good teacher. You will just have to find a system that works for you and the kids. I think you are a great mom for homeschooling the kids. Your kids are very intelligent (just like their parents) and I am sure that they will be just fine. Just remember that almost nothing goes as planned and you will have to work through the things that don't go as planned. I wish you the best of luck when you do start next year's session. Plus look at it this way, your kids can technically go to school in there pajamas everyday (I'm lucky to get myself and both the kids dressed and out the door every morning). ;-)
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